Skiing without Dad

Matt and I are in Utah now with the Hardy family. It is REALLY weird to be here without my dad. The first night I got really scared because the house was so quiet and his room was empty. I started crying and couldn't sleep that night. I thought I was alright after that because I was so excited to go skiing. But every single slope and every single lift have memories of my dad. I have been skiing there with him since I was 4, so that is 20 years of skiing. When I was strapping up my boots and putting on my skis, I started crying because I felt like I could literally SEE him there next to me, putting on his gloves after his strapped his boots. The crying left as soon as ti came, and I thought I would be ok after that. Throughout the day I would just start crying randomly. It is so weird to be here, skiing, and know that I will never ski here with Dad again. His memory saturates everything about this place. Then, I realized that I have memories of Grandpa Hardy from every slope and lift here too, and I started crying again cause I felt like everyone is dying and leaving me. It is completely irrational, I know, but that is how I felt. When we got off the slopes, I was feeling great, because despite my sadness, it was a gorgeous day and the snow was good and it is hard to stay sad with those sort of conditions. Then, I saw my Grandma and all my cousins as I was on my way to the hot tub and I broke down right there in the middle of the street with my bathing suit on. I was really bawling. It is going to be a hard week but I think it will be good for me to have to face the sadness. I am really glad Matt is here to make me feel like I have someone.